The Heartbreak of a Baby Scientist

Today, I participated in the same infant cognition research study that SCARLETT did a couple of weeks ago. Basically, the purpose of the study is to prove that something happens between the ages of 14 months and 18 months which enables a child to understand that different people have different likes and dislikes. Apparently kids my age don't care what other people like or dislike. Apparently, we think everyone must like and dislike the same things we do. According to the know-it-all Yale scientists, 18 month old kids are less selfish than kids my own age. Whatever. I walked into that research center on a mission. I was going to prove those people wrong.

Then I saw her: The pretty blonde lady who ran the study. I'm not going to lie...there is an age difference--but I wanted even more to prove those scientists wrong so I could show her how mature I am for my age.

She presented me with a plate of goldfish crackers and a plate of broccoli. Goldfish? Those fluorescent fish-shaped crackers that all toddlers love? I became totally disoriented. I lost all sense of right and wrong. What should I do? What is atypical? What will show the lovely researcher that I am mature and selfless? I dived head first into the plate of goldfish, then chased after the pretty researcher when she carried them away. The funny thing is, I don't think I've ever even had goldfish before! I have, however, had broccoli! I've also had another cheese cracker thing though, and I recognized the not-found-in-nature orange color. Anyway, after I ate the plate of goldfish, the pretty (very, very pretty...and blonde) researcher invited me into another room where Mom and I sat across the table from her. She pulled out a blue rubber ducky and made it hop across the table to me. I played with it for a minute, then she asked me to give it back to her. I didn't want to though. She had to take it back from me. My mom was silently horrified that I wasn't sharing. (She had to sit there without making a peep). Then the pretty blonde lady gave me a green rubber ducky to play with. This time when she asked for it, I put it in her hand. Next, she pulled out both plates of snacks again. This time she ate a goldfish, then made a yucky face and pushed the plate of goldfish away. Then she ate a piece of broccoli. She liked it alot. She smiled and said "yum," then pulled the plate closer to her. Finally, she pushed the plates toward me. I ate a goldfish. Then the pretty lady held out her hand and asked me to give her some food. I picked up a piece of broccoli (that's right, people!)...and put it in my mouth. It was disgusting! How could my lovely new friend have preferred this over goldfish? I immediately pulled it out of my mouth and put it on the table. Then, thinking that she must have just needed to try it again (goldfish are an acquired taste, after all...maybe her palate is not as sophisticated as my own), I picked up a goldfish cracker and put it in the researcher's hand. She said abruptly: "And that's exactly what we thought he would do," then took the plates away.

That's it?! I felt my chances of marrying the researcher quickly slip through my fingers as my my mom resisted the urge to scream: "But give him a minute! He'll hand you some broccoli! He's not a typical 14 month old! He's a genius! I swear!" But alas...it was over. The pretty blonde researcher had all the proof she needed that I care nothing about any opinion or interest other than my own. I'm so ashamed...

I sulked home (okay...my mom carried me) and immediately went to my kitchen to cook...broccoli.